My last official day at the bank was yesterday.

I am no longer employed.

It feels funny … sorting through all the thoughts and feelings.

It’s a weird feeling … balanced between excitement and uncertainty.

It’s exciting … to blaze a new trail … to discover new and exciting things.

Then there’s the uncertainty … filled with all those “what if’s”.

What if … I stayed with the bank?

What if … I made a mistake?

What if … my new business fails?

What if … what I’m doing doesn’t work out?

What if … I fail?

What if? … What if? … What if?

It’s going to take some time … for me to sort through this … to transition to my new role as entrepreneur.

I need to work through the established patterns and habits … and build new ones … leveraging what works … and removing or changing the ones that don’t.

I need create a new set of routines that will allow me to function within this new world.

Instead of … get up … go to work … deal with stuff … go home … spend time with family … go bed.

I need to create a new set of routines involving:

• Writing Book (and Blog)
• Serving Clients
• Developing Website
• Reading and Learning
• Networking
• Exercising / Playing Golf
• Spending time with Family (even more)

Once these new routines are up and running … once I get past the internal resistance … and get off my but … these new patterns and habits will take me to the next level … and I will wonder why I didn’t do this sooner.

As I clean out my desk … fond memories return.

As I walk through the office … I remember the good times.

I know I have made the right choice … but the thing I will miss the most is the relationships … the connections … that I have built up over the 18 odd years working at The Bank.

This is the hardest thing about moving on … saying goodbye.

I would like to say goodbye to my team … for putting up with me as I continued to change, adapt and improve my leadership style.

I would like to say goodbye to my friends, peers and co-workers … for making my stay here so enjoyable.

I would like to say goodbye to my many bosses over the years … for indulging me as I’ve done my best to contribute to the organization.

I’ve had the pleasure of working with many amazing people … I would like to personally thank each and every one of you … for making a positive impact on me … and I hope I was able to make a positive impact on you.

I plan on keeping in touch with as many of you as I can.

If I don’t get a chance to say it in person … as I make the rounds through the office this week:

I wish you well on your journey.

I’m sure our paths will cross again in the future.

As part of the job elimination process … I have access to a company that provides career transition services.

Yesterday, I meet with my coach for our first one-on-one session.

I must say that I it did not go well.

It was not my support coach.

It was me.

I went into the meeting unclear … unfocused.

I began by giving a high level … a vague picture really … of what my future plans were.

He asked me who my target market was … I couldn’t answer.

He asked me how I was going to market to them … I made up some feeble response.

It was not a good start.

I quickly began to spiral down into a wallowing pool of anxiety and self-doubt.

My expectation was that my coach would be able to help me piece together my plan … help me clarify my direction … provide suggestions for improvement.

Instead … It felt like I was selling my idea … making my pitch … having to show that I could make the entrepreneurial leap.

I expected support … I wanted reassurance that I was doing the right thing … instead I got judgment.

I was caught off guard … unprepared … and it really threw me off.

It’s as if my confidence in myself is dependent on how other people view me.

Well this is not going to work if I keep this up.

So … I’ve decided that I will never be thrown off again … meaning … I will maintain my confidence … even if I’m caught of guard.

This confidence will appear in my walk … in my appearance.

You will be able to see it when I’m standing or sitting.

This will be a confidence in my ability … confidence in my services … confidence in my belief that what I have to say has value … and will benefit others.

A confidence that … at its core … maintains the belief … that what I do matters … that what I bring … has value … and that people will pay me … yes actual dollars … for me to deliver … to give them the results that they are expecting … even exceeding those expectations … on a regular basis.

My confidence will come from within … not from without.

I will not waver … I believe … I know … that I am on the path … doing what I was meant to do.

I have taken that first step … I have taken it with confidence … a belief that will be fed from within.

My belief is that … without a doubt … I will succeed.

Even though you expect it to happen … it still stresses you out.

No matter how much you are prepared.

There’s just something stressful about your job being eliminated.

Why do we hold some much onto what we do?

When someone asks you ‘what you do’ … why do we tell them our ‘position’ or ‘title’?

When asked ‘what we do’ we don’t say … I implement technology projects to improve my clients experience so that they can deliver value to the customer … we say … I’m an IT manager.

Somehow what we do … get’s wrapped up into this concept of ‘position’ … somehow we identify with this as ‘who we are’.

And when this ‘who we are’ is taken away from us … bam … it’s like a punch to the stomach.

Well it happened to me.

I’ve been punched in the stomach.

Today at 10:32am … my job … what I do … my position … who I am … was eliminated.

Even though I knew it was coming … could see it from miles away … it still knocked the wind right out of me.

Even though this is moving in the direction of what I want (more on that to come) it still felt really crummy.

That somehow … I am no longer needed … after almost 19 years of service … I no longer matter.

At this point the anxiety is kicking into overdrive.

The source of this anxiety … my need to feel valued … my desire for significance within the eyes of others …my fear of rejection … perhaps all of the above.

I need to regroup.

Review my master plan … and drive through the anxiety toward what I want.

They say that (I even say is myself) that your biggest growth can only be found on the other side of your fears.

You need to face your fear head on and drive right through it.

Well here I go … embracing my fear … moving past it … moving toward what I want.